When I was in business school, I had a friend who lived on the east side four blocks from my house. So he and I hung out a lot, had dinner, commuted to school, and became close friends. One evening we were outside and we were joking, but at some point it stopped being funny. He spoke to me in a way that I found unacceptable. When I asked for an apology, he refused. I left alone in a taxi.
He called me the next day and I said, “You owe me an apology. He let me know that he had no intention of apologizing. I had a choice. A quote I heard recently made me think of this story.
“Forgiveness is letting go of excuses that you will never receive.”
I chose to keep his friendship. I said, “Okay, but if you ever talk to me that way, we’re not friends anymore.” He never did. We are still good friends, over 20 years later.
I spend a lot of time in my leadership programs talking about trust as the foundation for creating connected cultures. I ask the question, what is trust? I ask the group to define it. I get them talking about all the ways they can consciously build trust at work and all the ways they unconsciously break trust. I even created a program called “Create a culture of trust.“
There is also talk of restoring broken trust. At that time, my friend broke trust with me. I believe trust can be restored, but it takes desire on both sides.
For the person who broke up, here are 5 steps to restore that broken trust.
1. Recognize and take responsibility
Don’t just apologize, show that you understand what you did and how it impacted the other person. Be specific and be clear. Don’t make them ask, “What exactly do you regret?”
2. Share the corrective actions you plan to take
Explain how you plan to make up for your actions and how you plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
3. Explain what you learned from the incident
Show how your thinking changed as a result of the incident. What have you learned? How has it changed your way of thinking or understanding the situation differently? Find the growth of the situation. He immediately takes over and focuses on solutions and helps you all move forward.
4. Ask for feedback on additional actions
Don’t start by saying, “What can I do to make it up to you?” This gives them the responsibility to fix your mistake. Once you’ve made your plan, you can ask them if there’s anything else they’d like you to do. Having their input will keep them invested in the resolution, you name it.
5. Be consistent and patient
Trust is broken quickly and restored slowly. Give them time to believe your changes are permanent. If you are inconsistent, your actions may make the lack of trust worse rather than rebuild it.
When you’re on the other side of that broken trust, ask yourself if you’re ready to rebuild that trust. Do you want to forgive, even if not immediately? Are you skeptical and interpreting every action now through a lens of distrust?
Sometimes you will get those excuses, sometimes not. You can’t control the other person, but you can make a choice about how you feel or interact with that person. Can you, as they say in the Frozen movie, “let it go?”
